Should You Take Young Children to Funerals?

Deciding whether to take young children to funerals can be a difficult choice for many parents and guardians. This decision involves considering the child’s emotional well-being, their understanding of death, and the family’s grieving process. In this article, we explore the factors to consider when deciding if young children should attend funerals and provide guidance on how to prepare them if they do.

Understanding grief from the child’s perspective

Children can grieve just as deeply as adults, but their understanding depends on their cognitive and emotional maturity. Unlike adults, children have a limited ability to express their feelings, thoughts and memories verbally. They rather tend to ‘act out’ their grief with behaviours. Every child will do this in their own way.

The first step in deciding whether to take a young child to a funeral is understanding the child’s perspective and emotional readiness. Children’s reactions to death and funerals can vary widely based on their age, maturity, and previous experiences with loss. For younger children, especially those under the age of five, the concept of death might be abstract and difficult to grasp. However, attending a funeral can still be a meaningful experience as it introduces them to family rituals and the concept of saying goodbye.

Giving children the choice to attend a funeral

The general consensus from experts is that you should ask your child if they want to attend a funeral, often there are multiple ways that children can be involved in death rituals, from attending the funeral/burial, attending the wake or memorial, scattering ashes or visiting the grave. They may want to attend all, some or none or the events.

Educational psychologist John Holland, who has done research on children, grief and funerals, concludes that a funeral is a family rite of passage and important in the grieving process. “Don’t force them, but it’s important for children to feel involved. The golden rule is to explain what it’s about, in terms they can understand – and give them the choice.”

The following feedback from a bereaved mother explains how attending the funeral has helped a 5-year-old girl:

“The person it all helped the most was Chloe. She’s been sleeping better and talking much more openly about it all. Seeing that so many people feel the same helped ‘normalise’ her pain and confusion. And the focus on happy memories helped her to think about her dad with more lightness.”

What age is appropriate to take children to funerals?

The question of what age is appropriate for a child to attend a funeral doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all answer. It largely depends on the individual child’s maturity, emotional readiness, and previous experiences with death. However, here are some general guidelines to consider:

1. Preschool Age (3-5 years):
   • At this age, children may not fully understand the concept of death.
   • They can attend if properly prepared and supported, but their participation should be brief.
   • Consider having a trusted adult ready to take them out if they become restless or upset.
2. School Age (6-12 years):
   • Children in this age group typically have a better understanding of death.
   • They can usually handle attending a full funeral service with proper preparation.
   • Encourage their participation in age-appropriate ways, such as laying a floral tribute, making a drawing or sharing memories.
3. Teenagers (13 and up):
   • Teens generally understand death and its implications.
   • They should be given the choice to attend and participate as they feel comfortable.
   • Their involvement can be similar to that of adults, including being pallbearers if they wish.

Remember, these are general guidelines. Some younger children may be ready to attend a funeral, while some older children might not be. The key is to assess each child’s individual readiness and provide appropriate support.

For more detailed information on how to involve young children in funerals, including age-appropriate activities and ways to help them cope, please refer to our comprehensive article: “How to Include Young Children in Funerals“.

Preparing children for the funeral

Preparation is key to ensuring that children feel comfortable and supported during a funeral. It is crucial to explain to them in simple and age-appropriate language what to expect. This includes describing the sequence of events, the emotions they might witness, and the behavior expected of them. Providing this information can help ease any anxiety they might have about the unknown aspects of the ceremony​.

Your Funeral Celebrant is an expert in this area and can help you navigate this tricky subject: Rosalie Kuvenhoven is a Funeral Celebrant who helps families address these difficult conversations with younger family members. Rosalie explains:

“If parents don’t want to take their child(ren) or are not sure whether to involve them, I take the time to listen to their concerns and questions. Very often, this helps take away the fears and assumptions that drive some of their views and they are able to make a better-informed decision.

For example: Wendy did not want her 7-year-old daughter Elsie to attend the funeral of her uncle. When I met the family, Elsie was in the room. She came to greet me, played, and occasionally asked a question when we talked about the uncle’s life and the funeral service. When she asked, ‘Can I come to the funeral?’, her mother answered that this was not something for children to attend. During the meeting, it became obvious that Elsie was very close to her uncle.

The next day, I called Wendy to discuss her decision not to take Elsie to the funeral. She expressed concerns that it would be too upsetting for Elsie, and that she might not behave appropriately. I shared my observation that Elsie had been very close to her uncle and expressed the wish to be at his funeral. Wendy asked about my experiences with children at funerals, and wondered if I would bring my own children to the funeral of a family member. We also briefly talked about how we could include Elsie in the service. At the end of the phone call, Wendy mentioned that she would reconsider her decision.

On the day of the funeral, the family arrived and I was happy to see that Elsie was included. She ran towards me, crying my name and giving me a big cuddle. She showed me a bag of sweets, her uncle’s favourites: ‘Look, Rosalie, I will help by giving these to people to put on the coffin!’

For 7-year-old Elsie, the funeral was a positive experience. It helped her see that others were sad, just like her. She was very proud to be given something to do.“

Benefits of including children in funerals

Including children in funerals can have several benefits. It can help them understand the finality of death and provide an opportunity to say goodbye, which is an important step in the grieving process. Funerals also allow children to see how adults grieve, which can validate their own feelings and help them understand that it is okay to express emotions such as sadness and grief​.

Funeral Celebrant Rosalie says, “It’s important to create a safe place for young children and to make them feel part of the event. As a funeral celebrant, I always arrange a separate meeting with children to connect with them, explain who I am, to talk about what happens at the funeral and to discuss their ideas. If they would like to do something in the service I do a rehearsal with them before the ceremony so they know what to do and when. I always write a special welcome address for children, and if there is a committal, I will choose words that they understand.“

Potential challenges of having children at funerals

Despite the potential benefits, there are challenges to consider. Young children might become restless or disruptive during the service, which can be stressful for grieving family members. In such cases, having a trusted adult or family member who can provide support and take the child out for a break if needed can be very helpful​ (Dignity Funerals)​. Additionally, very young children might not understand the significance of the event, and their presence could distract from the solemnity of the occasion.

Again, you need to make the decision that feels right for you and your child, remembering that you cannot shield children from death and loss. It’s important to find a way to help them process their feelings of loss and help them grieve in an age-appropriate way.

Deciding whether a child should attend a funeral

Ultimately, the decision should be based on the individual child’s needs and the specific circumstances of the funeral. It’s important to give children a choice if they are old enough to make one and to respect their decision if they choose not to attend. For those who decide not to bring their children, finding alternative ways for them to participate, such as creating a memory box or writing a letter to the deceased, can be meaningful substitutes​ (Verywell Health)​​ (Cruse Bereavement Support)​.

Conclusion

Deciding whether to take young children to funerals is a deeply personal decision that should be made with careful consideration of the child’s emotional and developmental readiness. By preparing them adequately and providing support throughout the process, funerals can be a valuable experience that helps children understand and cope with loss. For more guidance on including young children in funerals, visit our blog post here.

And if you’re looking for a Funeral Celebrant that can help you navigate this sensitive time thoughtfully and compassionately, check out our Funeral Celebrant Directory.