How to include young children in funerals

Involving young children in funerals is a crucial aspect of helping them understand and cope with the loss of a loved one. While it may seem counterintuitive to expose children to such a somber event, research indicates that participation in funeral rituals can significantly aid in a child’s grieving process by providing a sense of closure and understanding of death.

The importance of including children in funerals

Whilst funerals can be sad and, at times, sombre; including children in funerals can help them in a number of ways:

1. Normalization of Grief: It helps children understand that mourning is a natural response to loss and supports them in processing their emotions.
2. Understanding Death: Participation aids children in grasping the concept of death and its finality, which is crucial for their emotional development.
3. Emotional Expression: Funerals provide a structured environment for children to express their feelings, preventing potential long-term emotional issues caused by suppressed grief.
4. Continuity and Connection: Being part of the funeral rituals helps children maintain a connection to the deceased, preserving their memory within the family narrative.

Helping children grieve and process loss

Children can grieve just as deeply as adults, but their understanding depends on their cognitive and emotional maturity. Unlike adults, children have a limited ability to express their feelings, thoughts and memories verbally. They rather tend to ‘act out’ their grief with behaviours. Every child will do this in their own way.

Educational psychologist John Holland, who has done research on children, grief and funerals, concludes that a funeral is a family rite of passage and important in the grieving process. “Don’t force them, but it’s important for children to feel involved. The golden rule is to explain what it’s about, in terms they can understand – and give them the choice.”

The following feedback from a bereaved mother explains how attending the funeral has helped a 5-year-old girl:

“The person it all helped the most was Chloe. She’s been sleeping better and talking much more openly about it all. Seeing that so many people feel the same helped ‘normalise’ her pain and confusion. And the focus on happy memories helped her to think about her dad with more lightness.”

Funeral at Willow Row Barrow, Sacred Stones

Ideas to include young children in Funerals

When including children in funerals, it’s essential to consider age-appropriate activities that allow them to participate meaningfully. Here are some ways to involve young children:

1. Crafting Memory Items
   • Encourage children to create drawings, write letters, or craft memory boxes to honour the deceased.
   • These items can be placed in the coffin or shared during the service, giving children a tangible way to express their feelings.
   • It can also be cathartic for children to create a memory box to keep at home, they can put photos of the deceased in there, things that remind them of their favourite memories, stories of that person etc. This can help keep the memory of that person alive for young children, whose memories of that person may otherwise fade.
2. Participating in Rituals
   • Involve children in lighting candles, placing flowers, or other ceremonial acts during the funeral.
   • After the ceremony, you can involve young children in planting a tree, or releasing a flower into the sea or a river as part of a memorial ceremony.
   • These small tasks can make children feel included and give them a sense of contribution to the ceremony.
3. Storytelling
   • Encourage both older and younger children to share stories or memories of the deceased during the service or a family gathering.
   • This helps them express their feelings and keeps the memories of their loved one alive.
4. Sharing a favourite story or reading a poem—If a child has lost someone close to them, sharing a story that they shared with that person, such as a favourite bedtime story, can be comforting. If the child is too young, you could ask another family member to read it.
5. Music and Songs
   • If comfortable, children could sing a song or play an instrument as part of the service or record or simply pick a song that can be played during the ceremony.
   • This can be a poignant tribute and a way for them to express their emotions through art.
6. Creating a Memory Book
   • Have children help create a memory book filled with photos, drawings, and stories about the deceased.
   • This can serve as a cherished keepsake and a therapeutic activity for the child.

Other ways to include children in Funerals

• Help choose music, or, if they are older, play an instrument
• Help decorate the coffin (drawing, flowers, post-its, bunting, etc)
• Make a drawing or write a poem for the order sheet
• Push the committal button
• Releasing balloons or blowing bubbles
• Laying a flower on the coffin

[Child touching a coffin. Photo by Anna Groot ]

How different cultures include young children in funerals

It’s important to note that different cultures have various ways of involving children in death rituals. For example:

• In Mexico, children participate in the Day of the Dead (Día de los Muertos) by creating altars, decorating graves, and making offerings.
• Irish wakes traditionally involve the whole family, including children, in mourning practices.
• In Japan, children often attend the Otsuya, a vigil or wake held the night before the funeral, and are involved in rituals such as incense burning.

These cultural practices emphasize the universal understanding of the importance of including children in the mourning process.

Preparing Children for the Funeral

Before the funeral, it’s crucial to prepare children for what they might experience:

1. Explain what will happen during the funeral in simple, clear terms.
2. Discuss the emotions they might feel and assure them that it’s okay to express these feelings.
3. Give them choices about their level of involvement, respecting their comfort levels.
4. Assign a trusted adult to be with the child during the funeral to provide support and answer questions.

Zoe (4 years old) had some ideas for their father’s funeral. She wanted to sing ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ and to have read her favourite story in the service. She also liked the idea of blowing bubbles and scattering petals on the coffin. In the funeral service, she led the song, and helped read the story which she knew by heart. The bubbles brought a playful element to the service, and everyone joined in. 

[Child decorating a coffin. Photo by Anna Groot ]

It’s important to create a safe place for young children, and to make them feel part of the event. As a funeral celebrant, I always arrange a separate meeting with children to connect with them, explain who I am, to talk about what happens at the funeral and to discuss their ideas. If they would like to do something in the service I do a rehearsal with them before the ceremony so they know what to do and when. I always write a special welcome address for children, and if there is a committal, I will choose words that they understand.

What if children don’t attend the funeral?

If children won’t be attending the funeral it might be worth considering an alternative option for them to say farewell, for example in a private family setting or by doing something special.

Our children did not attend the private funeral for our baby, who died as the result of a miscarriage after 17 weeks of pregnancy. The day after the funeral, we had a special day with them where we had a picnic in the park, talked about our feelings and released balloons for their little brother. 

Final thoughts

Children are wise, resilient and very creative. They might surprise you positively with their views on death and their ideas for a funeral. Remember, every child is different, and it’s essential to respect their individual needs and comfort levels when involving them in funeral rituals.

Including them in a funeral will not only help them in their grieving process, it will also help everyone else to see the beauty, hope and light that life, even in death, brings.

Resources

For further information on grief, either in children or adults and for signposting to useful resources, information and support, see Caroline Lloyd’s book Grief Demystified.

Educational psychologist John Holland has done research on children, grief and funerals. The following article has been a useful source for this :

J. Holland. (2004) Should Children Attend Their Parent’s Funerals? Pastoral Care in Education, Vol 22, nr. 1

Websites referred to in this article

Child Bereavement UK

What’s Your Grief

Photographer Credit: Roshini McCartin