The Ultimate Guide to Writing and Giving a Eulogy at a funeral for a loved one

Writing and Giving a eulogy at a funeral for a loved one is an incredible honour and a deeply personal task. A eulogy brings the person’s memory to life and helps create a legacy they will be remembered by. However, the process of writing and delivering a eulogy can feel daunting. How do you capture a lifetime in just a few minutes? What should you include to make it meaningful, and how do you manage emotions while delivering it?

This guide answers these questions and more, offering step-by-step advice to help you write and deliver a heartfelt eulogy with confidence.

What Is a Eulogy?

A eulogy is a spoken tribute given during a funeral to honour and remember someone who has passed away. It captures their essence, shares highlights of their life, and illustrates the impact they had on others.

A eulogy provides a comprehensive picture of a person’s life and the different roles they played to different people and at different times in their lives. Often, it reveals aspects of the individual that many attendees may not be aware of. 

Eulogies offer a unique opportunity to:

• Reflect on the person’s character and achievements.
• Share personal memories and anecdotes.
• Provide comfort to those grieving.

Roman philosopher Cicero eloquently summarised the importance of a eulogy:

“The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.”

A eulogy is, ultimately, a gift to the living as well as a tribute to the deceased.

The Role of a Eulogy

A eulogy brings the person’s memory to life and helps create the legacy they will be remembered by. Being the voice of their story and legacy is an honourable responsibility.

A well-crafted eulogy serves several key purposes:

• Honouring the Deceased: By celebrating their life, a eulogy pays respect and acknowledges their contributions.
• Providing Comfort: It offers solace to those in mourning by sharing heartfelt stories and memories.
• Creating a Legacy: A eulogy helps shape how the person will be remembered, preserving their memory for future generations.

Who Should Write and Deliver a Eulogy?

It’s an honour to be asked to write or deliver a eulogy. This responsibility often falls to close family members, but friends or a professional celebrant can also deliver the Eulogy.

• Family Members: Spouses, children, or siblings often write and deliver eulogies, bringing a deeply personal perspective.
• Friends: Close friends may be chosen if family members feel unable to speak due to emotional reasons.
• Celebrants: Professional celebrants can craft and deliver a eulogy if the family prefers an experienced speaker or a more neutral tone.

Choosing the right person depends on who feels most comfortable and capable of capturing the essence of the deceased.

How to Write a Eulogy –  Top Tips

The best eulogies typically include key facts and milestones of someone’s life, but a person truly comes to life when you share anecdotes and stories that encapsulate who they were. People are not remembered for the grades they achieved; they are remembered for the positive difference they made to those around them and how they made others feel. Often, this is found in the simple things—the unique gems that define someone’s character and individuality.

Gathering Information and Memories

Start by collecting stories, memories, and facts about the person. You can:

• Talk to family and friends and people who knew them
• Pay a visit to their house (details in the interior often reveal interests and hobbies)
• Look at photographs and ask relatives about stories behind the pictures
• Read tributes on social media
• Do research about their life: googling their name sometimes leads to interesting insights especially if they maintained a website, were active on social media or were public figures
• Write down your own memories and Reflect on your own experiences with them.

Example Questions to ask yourself and others when writing a Eulogy 

A few example questions that will help you find these gems:

1. What three words describe the deceased best?
2. If they would walk into this room right now, what would they say or do?
3. What made them laugh?
4. What will you miss most?
5. What is the funniest memory you have of them?
6. What were they proudest of in their life?
7. When were they at their happiest?
8. What do you think they would want to say to all who are present at their funeral?

How to Structure a Eulogy

There are several approaches to structuring a eulogy:

1. Chronological Order: Highlight key moments in their life, from birth to passing.
2. Thematic Approach: Focus on core qualities or values and share stories illustrating these.
3. Anecdotal Structure: Share a series of meaningful or humorous stories that paint a vivid picture of their character.

While reviewing the information you have gathered, a common theme, symbol, sentiment, or particular story that reflects the person’s spirit can often be found.

Remember, it’s impossible to capture all the details of someone’s life. Rather than aiming for a comprehensive biography, focus on celebrating the person’s essence.

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How to Deliver a Eulogy at a Funeral

Overcoming Stage Fright and Managing Emotions

Public speaking at a funeral can be challenging, especially when emotions are high. Here are tips to help:

• Practice your eulogy aloud several times.
• Print it out in a large, clear font for ease of reading.
• Take deep breaths and speak slowly.
• If overwhelmed, pause, take a sip of water, and gather yourself.

Practical Tips for Preparation and Delivery

• Familiarise yourself with the venue and microphone setup.
• Bring a bottle of water. You can take a sip if your mouth gets dry, or it helps you to take a moment should you need a little break.
• Bring tissues. It’s ok to be emotional when you speak and to take a moment to wipe your tears
• Don’t forget the print-out of the eulogy!
• Bring a trusted person to stand by in case you need support.
• Focus on the audience and the memory of your loved one rather than your nerves.

While giving a eulogy at a funeral

1. Take a deep breath before you go on stage
2. When taking your position at the lectern, take a moment before you start talking. Stand firmly on both your feet. Feel how they are grounding you. Take a sip of your water, take another breath if needed.
3. When speaking, stand up straight and make an effort to look up from your script. If you’re not comfortable making eye contact with the audience, consider focusing on a trusted person who can offer encouraging nods and smiles while you speak. Alternatively, you can choose to concentrate on a fixed point on the opposite wall if you prefer to avoid interacting with others.
4. Be kind to yourself. If you are becoming emotional, that’s ok. Take a moment to compose yourself before moving on. Remember that you have your trusted person who can take over if needed.

Eulogy FAQs

How Long Should a Eulogy Be?

Eulogies typically last 7-10 minutes, which equates to about 600-900 words. Check with the funeral director or celebrant to ensure your timing fits within the service schedule.

Top tip: people tend to underestimate the time it takes to read out a eulogy at a funeral. Practising your speech in front of the mirror is different from delivering your words on the emotional day of the funeral to an audience of bereaved people. It’s important to allocate extra time for walking up to the lectern, take a few breaths, sip some water, or if needed, take a short pause.

Word count is a more reliable tool than estimating time. As a rule of thumb, it takes 5 minutes to read out 600 words.

What Should You Avoid Saying in a Eulogy?

A eulogy is about the person but aimed at the people who are listening. So, it’s important to keep your audience in mind when writing your eulogy. Remember that we play different roles in our lives, and the people we connect with during our lives will have their own version of who we are.

Everyone will have their own perspective on the life and character of the person who has died. Someone may have been a difficult parent, but they may have been a good friend. Provide a balanced picture.

• Avoid airing grievances or negative remarks.
• Focus on the person’s positive traits and impact.
• Be mindful of your audience’s emotions and sensitivities.

Eulogy dos and don’ts

1. Don’t use the eulogy to vent your own frustrations or anger with the person who has died. 
2. Do acknowledge that you had a complex relationship with them or, in more generic terms, that they weren’t the easiest person to live with while avoiding resentment.
3. Don’t talk about yourself. It’s ok to tell a personal story and include yourself to bring it to life, but make sure it focuses on the person who has died and not on you.
4. Don’t put words into the person’s mouth that they wouldn’t have said or believed.
5. Don’t quote other people without checking they are ok with their words being used in the eulogy.

Final advice on writing a Eulogy 

Don’t overthink or worry about it being perfect. If you’ve agreed to this honourable responsibility, you’ll do a wonderful job. Focus on writing and delivering your message from the heart—anything from a place of love is just right.

As the incredible Dr. Maya Angelou once said:

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel”.

If you’re preparing a eulogy and need further guidance, explore our additional resources for detailed advice on every aspect of the process. From structuring your speech to delivering it with confidence, our celebrants and guides are here to help.

Find a Funeral celebrant today who can support you in creating a meaningful and heartfelt tribute for your loved one.

Adapted from an original article By Rosalie Kuyvenhoven, Celebrant. Rosalie is an award-winning wedding and funeral celebrant based in London, who believe funerals can be beautiful, positive events. Find Rosalie on our directory or visit Rituals Today @rituals_today.

Photography credits: Bec Zacher Photography, Roshini McCartin Photograpy,